So I’m Not Coming Out to My IFB School

Now I’m glad I didn’t do such a stupid thing but still feel like the data needs to be known.  Every time I pick up the phone to text my pastor back home for counsel I have fear of telling him I ever thought this for some reason.  Fear the opposite of peace…

On June 15th I said I was starting the peace challenges for Reformers Unanimous.   I knew it meant facing trials that would test my peace.  I was expecting to come from external sources like work, my roommate or sudden, unexpected, large expense.  However, you can leave me alone and my two natures will cause character conflict.

I still might do this because the thought hasn’t completely gone away.  But for now, I just need to tackle my fear with God’s peace while not neglecting to tackle my guilt by remembering God’s forgiveness.

Finishing Joy


This is the finish date of my first challenge in the joy part of my transformer book from Reformer Unanimous, almost a year ago.  I’m trying to figure out what I was doing other than just strengthening my writing.  I hadn’t submitted to going to school yet either.

The main question is am I more joyful?

I’m not even sure if that is the right question to ask.  I did take joy or happiness in different things now than I did a year ago.  The life I life is not one that I would have thought of as a happy one; not because of skirts, but because of the lack of drama.  Ok there was drama recently, but other than that life has been easy going.  I never wanted that.  I could handle chaos but I struggled with the quiet.  I thought both peace and joy were over rated.  Why should we be so worried about how we feel?  Just get your stuff done.

But, as I need to keep reminding myself, relationships, including my relationship with God, should affect my feelings.  God isn’t just there when I’m at my limits and am being pressed beyond what I can handle, but He is also there in the quiet where with my strength alone can seem to be enough.  I think that is what God has done with college in many ways.  He has given me just enough rest for me to learn to spend time with Him in the mists of it while also not allowing for idle hands to be the devils workshop.

The next part of my transformer book is peace.  I always thought you couldn’t have joy without peace.  But since I’m learning how much I don’t know about human emotion, I will ask God now to teach me, His student and servant, about peace.

Just Friends: 1 Mutations, Confusion, and Transition

In the introduction the authors said that if the reader was college age or older that there would not be much for us in the first chapter.  They were right for for the most part.  I was not the reader they had in mind for this book.

It has been a while, so I’ll review why I am reading this book.  Just Friends by Mike Ray and Cary Schmidt, is about maintaining healthy, godly relationships with the opposite sex.  I had read up on this subject when I was younger but my lack of interest in the opposite sex made me not think I needed to pay attention.  I had a girlfriend already so following the rules was high on my to do list.  As long as no one knew, I felt like I was fine.  I did not know how strongly sex addiction had me, or understand the God strong enough to deliver me.

Years later, after developing a deep attraction to the opposite sex, I met Edward.  He heard my testimony and did not see me as a lesbian that abused her ex-girlfriend, but as a great story of redemption.  He was also in a trap of lust however.  Despite this we drew closer.  Close enough for my old addiction to kick back in with a Jones for males.

I am treating the addiction by breaking off the relationship with Edward, drawing closer to God and going to Reformers Unanimous.  But I want to be able to hold friendships with men soon.  I am not the hormone filled teen but I need this book.

They do spend the first chapter on puberty.  Ruth, a young girl from the Animal Zoo, or AZ for short, thinks I suffering my way through a second puberty.  As I read I noticed why.

The first thing addressed in a rather general tone was physical changes that teens endure.  Ruth says that in my case this manifest itself in my body that has health that doctors are just starting to understand.  The current problem that we are facing is low blood pressure.

Next addressed change of the teen years is the rewiring taking place in the frontal lobe.  I could rant about how I believe that adults use it as an excuse for low standards for teens.  But Just Friends agrees with my take on this troublesome lobe.  As the judgement part of the brain develops, we need to use it well to reinforce good neuron connections.  Part of turning away from addiction is telling the mind that it can do what it wants for satisfaction.  I’m rewiring my brain to rely on God for it now.

The last addressed change is emotional.  I think this is the change I feel the most in my “second puberty”.  Edward and Chad, another AZ, spent hours teaching me to let go of the guilt that I had been using to hold my addiction and attractions where I wanted them.  I allowed them to teach me to allow myself to feel emotions instead of locking them out.  I dealing with emotions other than guilt to tug at my heart strings.

The major parallel is being new to being attracted to the opposite sex.  Sexual attraction in the teens was something I acted on.  I am learning how to submit my sexuality to God for real this time.

On a Scale of 1 to 10

Pastor asked Edward how badly he wanted to be rid of his porn addiction on a scale 1 to 10.  Edward and I both saw 10 as the point you sought castration or suicide.  I will answer 10 every time though because it is the right answer.  In fact I could dip into emotion and say 100.  But Edward was so out of touch with his emotions and honest that he said 8.

"The people that overcome this normally say 1,000," my pastor said.

Even I thought he should at lest be a 9.5.

As I study the fruit joy in RU, I am going to be faced with frustration that I’m to overcome without indulging in my addiction.  I did ask God to share people around me from my pain during this time.  I think most people were shielded except my mom.

I hate dealing with emotions.  But I knew that joy was more than an emotion however.  When I was faced with frustration, I was not turning to earthly things for comfort.  In fact I was turning to nothing.

Letting the frustration build steels joy.  Lose of joy makes you want to reach out to for joy from empty sources.  I need to service God and stay on His path.

Dear Lord, show me Your will for me daily.  Remind me to continue to seek Your control of my emotions. Fill me with Your joy.

Nine Warning Signs Relapse

On my bulletin from Reformers Unanimous this week, it listed nine warnings of relapse.  I thought this was worth sharing.

  1. Lack of Restraint.
    There must be restraints or boundaries in our life.  When we start to desire to be out from underneath any and all authority relapse is on its way. (Proverbs 26:3)
  2. Wrong Associations.
    Hanging around those that would promote your destructive behavior is a clue that relapse is right around the corner.  (Proverbs 26:4)
  3. Know it all Attitude.
    When you start to think you are always right and everyone else is wrong then relapse is not far away.  (Proverbs 26:12)
  4. Laziness.
    When you become half hearted in all that you do, it will become a way of life that will lead to relapse.  (Proverbs 26:13-15)
  5. Excuses.
    When you refuse to face your own  faults and make excuses for all you do then relapse is ahead. (Proverbs 26:16)
  6. Meddling in others business.
    When you refuse to clean up your own backyard and start focusing on other and their problems, then relapse is very near.  (Proverbs 26:17-23)
  7. Hatred.
    Self hatred or hatred toward others is an attitude that will lead you into relapse.  (Proverbs 26:24)
  8. Hoping Others will Fail.
    When you desire for others to fail it shows that your focus is totally wrong.  Your focus should be on your recovery not on what someone else does or does not do.  (Proverbs 26:27)
  9. Lying.
    Lying to yourself or others that everything is ok when in fact they are not ok is a warning sign that relapse is coming soon.  (Proverbs 26:28)

Psalm 51:12-13 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

I think I do not know what I do not know about joy.

I am memorizing these verses for RU this week.  They do not have you memorize without looking at the passage to make sure you know the meaning.  For this I had to look up “uphold” in the dictionary because I only could remember the uphold meaning maintain.  As in the supreme court upheld some stupid law instead of striking it down.  I do not have the and old dictionary yet to look these things up yet so I used one on my Kindle Fire.  Than a word from the description stood out to me; confirm.

When joy is restored we are confirmed with the Holy Spirit.  Then I have joy I am closer to God and have a better relationship with Him.

Ok where do I sign up?

From Love to Joy

On Friday I did my first challenges from the joy part of my Transforming challenge book.  I was sorry to think that the love part that I had finished hadn’t taught me to love any better.  This was disappointing for me.

But than God reminded me of someone other than Edward whom I have had trouble loving.  I had to admit that things between us have improved.  I’m thankful to God for the change and pray that it continues to improve.

I guess I should give an update on my feelings for Edward.  I’m beginning to get some of my objectiveness about him back.  He was unable to love some abusive people in his life.  He cannot see them as me before I turned around.  If he cannot love them, how could he really love me?  Yes, I know I am sorry and different now but the true sinful nature I have is abusive.

I still think he is one of the most handsome men in the world.  If that is to change I think God would need to introduce a new man.

In His time of course.

Joy is defined by RU as “… a cheerful, calm delight and rejoicing in a particular circumstance.”  I think the only time I do not have this is if someone I love is suffering.  Coming in to study this fruit I do not feel to far behind on it.

Or maybe I do not know what I do not know.

I’m almost done with the love part of my UR challenge book.  I know that my loving God more I will keep his commandments.  But I still do not know if I’m applying it well.  Love is a weak point that I still need to work on.

We cannot fight a fleshly appetite by indulging in it.

We all have appetites for good and bad things. For example an appetite for the Bible is good and should be fed. An appetite for  sexual pleasures outside of God’s plan for your life (like mine) needs to be starved. Yes, cold turkey.
But there are appetites that are neither good or bad but the way we feed them is wrong. I have a appetite for writing but what I’m learning is that I need to feed it differently. I must still write but only as God wants me to

Last Day of Physical Therapy

It was my last day at physical therapy now I have to maintain the strength I’ve gained by working the muscles at home.

Just like after I “graduate” from Reformers Unanimous I need keep up my relationship with God.  God will keep growing me I know he will.

New Levels, New Devils

Now that you have made it this far in the program you are beginning to experience some success in your new Christian life.  Remember that new levels bring new devils.  Be careful….

Steven Curington wrote this in the foreword to the Transformer challenge book.  I didn’t think much of it other than figuring that current struggles would get harder as I battled my addiction and lust.  It’s the only way to grow, right?

But the attack that Satan chose for me was not what I expected…

I’m scrolling down my dash when I see a blogger fangirling over a picture of an actor from her favourit show.  The actor what laying on the hood of a car with his uncovered chest up and pants were… unbuttoned.

Feelings rushed through my veins and thoughts of what I wanted to do to on that hood pounded in my head with every heart beat while I looked at the picture. I checked my thoughts, clicked away from the trigger than I celebrated my new attractions becoming straighter.  As little as 4 years ago I had none for males and chests have been the feature on males that have failed to excite me for a while.  But then I learned the burden that this new temptation brings.

I’ve unfollowed a few blogs that posted pictures of shirtless guys.  I never noticed these blogs before but now they were triggers.

Dear Lord, you are growing me.  Thank you for allowing me to grow straighter but at the same time don’t allow my eyes to indulge in the new temptation.

Reformers Unanimous 4/13/12

God balances guilt with blame.  When we accept the blame for our actions, God will remove the guilt.

I’m so glad I just typed the tenth Reformers Unanimous principle.  I was caught blaming someone else for the last 3 failed years of my life.  If it wasn’t for me following that bad advice after being rejected from the Coast Guard then I would likely not have gotten to the point where I forgot how to write.

God’s gift dies if you are out of His plan for your life.  I have no doubt that my writing is a gift from Him.

The sermon from last night was about separating oneself for friends that are a negative inflence on one’s walk with God.  My friends from the sci fi forum were I met are hardly left in my life so I’m was looking for others.

This morning he asked about that writing. He hasn’t tried to help.  He just said it was stupid.  So I’m expected to continue with no help.  It’s my fault that I didn’t follow God’s leading and I must deal with the consequences and forgive his bad advice.

But I’m going to “fail” now and declare that my life is God’s.  I don’t have to listen to him.  I can’t separate myself from him now.  But it’s coming…

Why Are You Following Me?

Wow I love new followers.  So for the new people I’m Cheyene.  It’s a fake name but I like it.  I’m a city girl but I’ve had my time on the family farm.  I like all weird foods. I follow politics a little too much and I love people way too much.

I only know love because of my dear Lord showing how much He cared for me at the cross.  My love is still tainted with sin though.  I’m a sex addict and my last friend with flirting benefits and I suffered the consequences from that.  We currently aren’t talking till I’m stronger.  I know God can deliver me.

I go to a small church that has a bad habit of being abandoned by pastors.  I go to a different church for Reformers Unanimous to help treat my addiction Biblical way and I go to physical therapy for knee pain.

I’m looking for a job but in the long run I need to find ministry apprenticeships or a writing gig because that is the direction I feel lead by God to those fields.

So who are all o’ y’all?

Good Friday

My church was having it’s first Good Friday service.  I was torn because I wanted to go to RU too but mommy declared it a family event so I had to go.  Then daddy talked his way out of going.

The focus on the pain and suffering that Jesus endured physically and the anguish that the hold Godhead experienced by having to lay the sin of the world on their one begotten Son then turn away and abandon Him, made me think of an 11th principle that I can add.

If Jesus could endure Calvary to save us, we should never see doing as He would have us as “inconvenient”.

Ye Shall Know Them By Their Love

"God make me show that love," I prayed about a year ago.  I was numb to all feelings at the time thanks to the guilt that I was using to control my addiction with.  Almost within a week of that prayer, Brian came out of the closet to the AZ.  I had to deal with the guilt I had and what the Bible says about it all and that all the cute guys were gay (or so it seemed at the time).

I began soon develop love for the LGBT community and Edward.  But the love between Edward and I was tainted by addiction and impatience so that it became improper and dishonourable.

God is still teaching me how to love.

I’ve finished the Challenger challenge book from Reformers Unanimous and now I’m starting on the Transformer challenge book which starts out with a study of the fruit of love (and has more essays…).  I’m so glad to have gotten to this point.  I need this.