For some of the newer people I’m going to go over who Edward is. I know it can be confusing because no one has really understood us yet. But that doesn’t mean I wont try to explain us.
The first time I saw a post by him on the sci fi forum that we met on I made a joke about it. He didn’t acknowledge it or anything.
The first post of mine that I know he saw was a post on marital advice from country songs. His only comment was a head shaking smiley.
His profile said he was ROTC and had a few pictures and to this day I still think he looks bad in those pictures. He looked skinny and too clean shaven.
I didn’t post pictures or my name but I had moose and ancient Egypt themes to it. He liked it.
I didn’t like him though. I have a pervdar that went off on him and he hit me as depressed. But the AZ (who were just Brian, Chad, Ryan and me at the time) soon adopted him as one of there own.
I began to investigate him to ensure the safety of the others in the AZ.
But then I was interrupted by Brian coming out. I came out at that time as well. For almost two years, I had been clean from my addiction and I not as straight as I am now but I had already taken the label.
Edward became quiet. But he noticed I was taking the AZ in a new direction. We became a support group for us and others. Edward and I had the most time to spend on suicide watches. So we started to get close.
God calls me into the ministry.
My health starts improving because Edward starts helping with tracking my symptoms and pinning them to a possible problems I could have.
He tells me that he agapes me.
Realizing that he had wrapped his emotions around me, I say that we need to only speak with someone to keep us accountable for a month and then review the relationship. He didn’t understand what I thought was the issue or why I thought it was a problem.
He didn’t know that it was the first sign. He was already planning to get a second already.
Two weeks into this phase however, we started talking like the old days because of a difficult case that the AZ had. The case rekindled my guilt of my old life style. Edward told me over and over to stop thinking of myself that way. I told him he could never understand.
I will always remember the next text he sent: “Do you want to know my secret? I have one.”
That was when I learned that the man that loved me more than any man other than my father, and was close to getting my signs, was addicted to porn. On the day we had previously agreed to review our relationship I became his accountability partner.
Meanwhile, my lust for Edward is perked up. I wasn’t checking it because I was so happy to have feelings for a male. But I don’t want to fall for him because he is an addict.
Edward comes to a convention that I’m attending and by the time he leaves he has all the signs that I ask God to do for my future husband.
He figured out what he did and slowly began forge plans on when we could court. He said it was a long time off. We met in my city two months later.
He had the idea that we could snuggle in his brother’s apartment alone and not be tempted.
“There isn’t anything sexual about that,” he reasoned.
“That is a virgin talking,” I said. “My experience tells me otherwise.”
But I had not proven it to be the case with men yet. Even though I knew it was against my better judgement, I allowed it. As we both violated boundaries meant to be broken only in marriage. We did not go “all the way” but, I still fed his lusty habit and I awaken my hunger for all things lust. I had thrown myself at him before he left.
We had horribly cheapened our relationship and gone against God’s plan of how friendly men and woman are to behave.
Fearing that my addiction was once again going to hurt Edward, I started to look for ways to kill myself. Edward and Ruth talked me out of it.
It didn’t take long for my sister to give me a reason to make Edward think I was dismissing the signs. I think that was for the better. Soon he found a reason to wait for us to even speak to each other again. We agreed to both be free of activity from our lust for seventy days before even knowing if the other person is in good health.
Does God want me to marry this man? I have no idea. Do I want to marry him? Only if it is God’s will. I only know that God’s will for my life now is to purge myself of porn, masturbation and lustful thoughts.
My future, from that point, I’ll just have to listen to God for guidance.