I Blame Chad For This

Chad’s story line not mine. I am just putting my spin on it.

Chad never thought he would wish he was on the other side of the goal.  Why did he ever tell Edward that lie?

He just wanted Edward to lose interest in Cheyene long enough for her to recover from her addiction.  It was a lie that Edward should not have even believed.  He said that Cheyene had a crush on Brian.  And Edward believed it.

The same Edward he was trying to hide from now.

Edward became uninterested in Cheyene and did not speak with her or Brian.  Cheyene was heart broken to learn that Edward did not love her anymore.  Brian comforted her as best he could.  But Chad felt his guilt trying to kill him.

His guilt would have been more merciful than Edward if he ever found him.

Ruth figured out what was going on.  She did her best to gently tell her.  But Cheyene took it poorly.  She did not kill Chad but killed herself in her grief.

If she had killed him he would not be clinging to the shadows with his heart beating loudly in his ears.

The friends mourned.  Edward came to her funeral to watch his heart put six feet under the sod.  But he noticed that Brian was not doing the same.

He must have seen Chad’s guilt too.

How long would he now have to stay in hiding from Edward’s murderous gun?  Should he save him the trouble by giving in to the guilt by taking his own life?

My Mom

She has done her best through all this.  She was so happy to see me in love but warned me about entangling my emotions around Edward.  She trusted him with details of my family and her first born daughter.

One night, I call her to Grandma’s room.  Edward and Ruth are on Skype and had just talked me out of killing myself.  She learn that I had thrown myself at him and was relapsed and wanted to not risk hurting him.  So I was going to remove myself from his life, the cowardly way.

She was seeing her daughter suffer because of this man she trusted so much.  She couldn’t trust him anymore; something I should have warned her about.  My quest for my goal weight was tainted, in her view, by my quest to please Edward.

The person that she had trusted, was now hurting her daughter.

Then the night came where I reported that that Edward and I had cut off communication.  She cut herself off from him ask well.  He had manipulated me and she didn’t want to give him the chance to do it to her too. The time away would give me a chance to love another.

But I wished to deal with submitting my heart before I fell for another.  She watches me struggle and is proud to see me grow. But one thing still worries her.  I still love Edward, maybe even more than when we had last spoken.  She wishes she could just transfer it to another and get the manipulator out of her life.

She has been hurt by Edward as well.  But cries only when I am not looking.

Void of Meaning

I’m going to admit that I listen to npr I even follow them here on tumblr. You can start hating me now.

Today I was listening and Alain de Botton was on a show talking about his new book Religion for Atheists.  He argued that there was no problem with taking religious ideas and applying them to Atheists life.  There are benefits to religion and some comfort in it.

He argued that the problem with religion is that if it means something it divides people.  Since the Atheists don’t believe that they can take the “good” parts of religion.

I thought the “good” part of religion was being forgiven by a almighty God.

I get what he is saying about religion.  Every belief worth its salt tells us that not following it means that you are damned to some kind of punishment.  Therefore I can say I’m compelled to say, “Jesus saves” because I need to save you from hell.

I’ve asked questions before of what the point of certain action are, I’m starting to learn.  How is one truly comforted by adopting the Jewish day of atonement for forgiveness from men only?  I sorta understand why but I still remember having the forgiveness of man lead to Google searches on how to kill myself.  Then again I doubt they have as much to feel guilty about as I do.

Sleep beckons him as his head aches.  Voices from his computer tell him to stay awake and tell him that they love him.  But they are just on the computer they don’t understand that he isn’t worth the room he takes on this Earth.  his body is weakening.  It would be so easy to sleep his way to death.

He has worked so hard to change the world; but changed nothing.  He gave away his heart to a girl who under valued her worth just to have it rejected and see her agonize more.  Every thing he touches turns to dust.  There  is no worth to him on Earth.  He has no fear of death…

But value on Earth of every man is super high to God.  He gave man kind, and our young man, His Son’s blood.  This isn’t just for death like fire insurance.  We are saved through blood and live afterward for Him.  We have something that God gave His Son to redeem.  Embracing Christ’s blood for salvation and life gives joy, peace and life more abundant.  It’s life in God strength.

We Really Are All the Same

"I can’t support this," Ryan said.

"I didn’t think you would," I said knowing every word he was about to tell me.

"Gays commit suicide because of judgmental Christians saying they need to be straight."

I’ve learned a lot since then.  Mostly from Ryan, a proud gay man that greatly disagrees with me on most sex issues.  I never want to push being straight on anybody any more and I understand now that its not in God’s plan for everybody to leave there same sex attractions.

Yesterday I was a message by a young woman with unwanted same sex attractions and I could feel her frustration at not feeling anything for men.  She wasn’t suicidal but Ryan’s words echoed in my mind. I asked God what was the the right answer.

It’s not about changing whom you lust after, it’s about changing how you let God direct your feelings.

It’s the same lesson I’ve been learning as a straight woman now. I have unwanted feelings for a man that God hasn’t taken away.  I have had to give God control of these feelings so He can grow proper love from them.

It’s the same struggle proving that we are all human.