Ye Shall Know Them By Their Love

"God make me show that love," I prayed about a year ago.  I was numb to all feelings at the time thanks to the guilt that I was using to control my addiction with.  Almost within a week of that prayer, Brian came out of the closet to the AZ.  I had to deal with the guilt I had and what the Bible says about it all and that all the cute guys were gay (or so it seemed at the time).

I began soon develop love for the LGBT community and Edward.  But the love between Edward and I was tainted by addiction and impatience so that it became improper and dishonourable.

God is still teaching me how to love.

I’ve finished the Challenger challenge book from Reformers Unanimous and now I’m starting on the Transformer challenge book which starts out with a study of the fruit of love (and has more essays…).  I’m so glad to have gotten to this point.  I need this.

Passion & Purity: 35 Impatience

And readers everywhere said, “You got that right.”

I dug into this chapter because I know my impatience is an issue.  There was a key point that I took away from it; don’t belong to each other before the time God has appointed for you.

Now I’m learning the failure of those lovely signs for marriage that I wanted God to send.  So soon as Edward got the last sign I thought of myself as his even though I never told him that.  I wasn’t to date anyone else and if he married another I was to remain single.

One thing Edward kept doing was saying that he was mine.  He handed himself over to me for no good reason I could think of and it bothered me.  “What if you should marry someone else?”

"Then you’ll be hard to explain," He said.  "But you’re leaving me in better condition than you found me so she can’t complain about you.   I won’t let her."

First off, if that works as well as him forbidding me to eat fatty food it won’t work.  Second we were both out of line with our thinking.

When I asked God for changes that I should make to the signs I made at 9 I was noticing my feelings for men for the first time and knew that I might actually use them.  I adjusted the signs by God direction and made more of a legal style document.  But I never had peace about the part where my heart belonged to the man as soon as he completed the 3 fold requirements.  But I couldn’t think of a reason then for not trusting God enough that the only one to do these signs would be the one.

Dear God, I’m sorry for giving away a heart before it’s time to a man I’m unsure of.  I need answers about the signs and if they mean anything.  I know that I have lied to Edward and said that they no longer apply to him and I don’t know if that is wrong.  I am not in a rush for this clarity for I know how foolishly I acted the last time I had it.  I thank you knowing that Your timing for the answer is better than my own.  Give me strength so that for now my heart is for only for You.

Rushing Without Praising

Today the sermon had a concept that might help me in my pursuit of patience.  Pastor was using a Psalm of praise and said, “Are you too impatient to move to the next phase of life that you aren’t praising God for what He has already done for you?”

That is me.

I feel like God is prepping for whatever He is going to do to help my patience.  Pray for me because I know this is hard to learn.

Passion & Purity: 34 His Sublime Keeping

When you find me reading a novel you fine someone deeply connecting to the characters.  Like I was reading Animorphs 45 The Revelation on the train when I got to the part where Marco is watching is father’s head get shoved into a Yeerk pool.  Marco could do nothing but observe his father become a slave to an alien slug with no will of his own.

A random passenger broke the drama of the moment by asking if I was ok.  A tear had escaped my eye.  “I’m fine,” I said then switched to another book in my kindle.

Passion and Purity is written to doing that with Elisabeth so easily.  So when I realized that this chapter was about seeing Jim, then not seeing him for a year, then seeing him, all without getting a plain go ahead from God, I was driven a little crazy.

I know they are learning and growing but if just reading it drives me crazy then imagine if I had to live it.  I have rushed romance before…

Dear Lord, I’m going to do something that I’m already facepalming myself for but I know I need it.  Give me patience.  I need it to learn to endure.

Just Keep Biking

The worse part of physical therapy is the bike.  Other exercises I can get through faster by not resting long before my next stretch, pull, push or press.  But on the bike no matter how fast I go, I don’t decrease the time it takes because I’m on it for a set amount of time.

Yeah, I kreein’ hate that bike.

I always came to trails saying, “God, please teach me my lesson fast so I can move past this.”  While I think it’s ok to want out of a trail fast I think that sometimes God could be teaching us endurance.  To withstand the devil and hard times for a long period of time.

Right now that reminds me of what I’m facing now.  Addiction and feelings don’t fade over night.  I’m going to press on as fast as I can but God might be working patience in me.

Passion & Purity: 33 Four Bare Legs

One of the hard things for me read in most abstinence books is the chapter on saving as much sexual pleasure for marriage. Not because I’ve done so much outside of marriage and feel sorry, but because I find it triggering. I have a pattern of impatience in my life. I through my free teenage years away so I could be an adult professionally and sexually. Now I wanted to skip being a young adult supported by her parents to and adult supporting herself.

I’ve aged myself because of this I’m sure.

Elisabeth doesn’t write this with great sex in marriage as a reason like most authors including Joshua Harris. Since I’m not married I can’t say if it’s true.  Serving God is at the centre of this chapter. That isn’t triggering and the real reason for saving it all for God’s time

Dear Lord thank you for advice that is honoring to you. I ask that my relationships and my life glorify You.  I’ve fail at it before.  Please give me the strengthen and wisdom to do it right from here.