Lement of a Soldiers Wife

You’re better off grass by the roadside
Than a wife to a soldier at war.
The wedding bed not even warm
Her man’s now on the northern front.
She remembers the day they parted
How the snow flew o’re the landscape
Ice splitting his horse’s hooves
He is far from home
How can they hope to meet?
It saddens her even to see sun and moon
That shines on both her and her man
Pining and pining she longs
When will it ever end?
Every night in labored dreams
Her spirit crosses to the northern front so far.
But there is a rule in the army
To be careful all the time
They cannot think of home and family
But work mindlessly for defense
Since ancient times men loyal to duty
All have learned to die.

Mastering the Art of War - Zhuge Liang’s and Liu Ji’s commentaries on the classic by Sun Tzu

Mood Swings

I’ve been having 4 moods lately and I don’t know what they mean or if they are or if they are normal.  I want to turn this all to God so I feel as He would want me to.

1. My Jones
I’m trying to get sex addiction under control is still a struggle.  Since I’ve started looking for jobs it’s gotten worse.  I think it’s because I’m getting out my Bible meditation so I can have a “clear head” for the job search.  I need to run my thoughts on God parallel to my thoughts on my duties.  Also hanging out with my Christian friends less could be a factor.  I’ve added reading a RU principle in the morning to my routine and hoping it helps.

2. Pinning for Edward
I still haven’t felt that strong urge to call him yet but there are moments that I want to share with him.  Sermons, RU reading, Bible reading; what do these things have in common?  It’s my time to hear from God and kreein’ Edward is on my kreein’ mind.  Part of my mind says it’s because I want to share it with him and other says this is huge problem.  I think the lather part might be right.  I need to focus on God during that time.

3. Wanting Kids
What the stinkin’ kree?!!
I haven’t wanted kids much before.  I like the idea of training up and sharing my life with a young one.  But never to grow my own.  NEVER!  With my tiny body and crazy health I would either to bed ridden during the pregnancy or the baby would have 3 heads or something.  So why do I want one now?  I think it’s a new angle that the addiction is trying.

4. Writing Manic
The writing urges are barely felt.  I don’t know why but it could because I stopped the chapter reviews.

God, please take my emotions and form them to Your will.  Show me what negative influences that I can remove and give me the strength to deal with the ones you’ve left here to try me and grow me.

Passion & Purity: 42 Out of Love and Into Charity

Last night NCIS LA ended and I packed up my laptop and said I was going upstairs to watch Fringe.  Daddy said he didn’t care.

"Don’t you care what your daughter does?" I asked.

"I don’t care what you watch on TV as long as isn’t weird," he answered.

The case that the Fringe team investigated in that episode was a cult of people genetically altering themselves to become flying porcupines.  It’s weird, ok?

But it oddly had me pining for Edward. He cared and therefore noticed things that others didn’t, like my limp or that I hadn’t forgiving myself for my past.  I fell for him all over again there was none of my addiction behind it.  I just felt like God and Edward were the only two that cared for that moment.  I asked God to take it away.

Then God told me to tell his accountability partner not to let him buy anything of a certain sent I like.  I followed the leading then read the chapter.

In the last chapter Elisabeth and Jim get married. But Elisabeth said that passion and purity doesn’t end at the alter. She speaks of falling out of love and how you never feel fully infatuated for the whole marriage and that marriage is about pleasing the the other person regardless of weather the other person is pleasing you.

I remembered the night after I had come back from our first real life meaning.  Edward manipulated me and gave in to his addiction for the first time since I became aware of it.  But I thought he had the signs for marriage now too.  I acted normal and told him that I trusted him less then ever.  After I hung up though I rolled into a ball on grandma’s living room floor and cried.  I can’t say if that is a full falling out of love moment since I’m still longing for the guy though.

She then speaks of that blind love that happens when in infatuation love.

Try to remember the vision that “being in love” gave you of what that person was.  You found no fault in him or her.  “Behold, thou art fair, my love, there is no spot in thee,” Solomon said to his beloved.  Is it blindness to see a sinful man or woman thus?  I think it is a special gift of vision, the power to see for a little while what God meant when He made that person….

I felt bad for Edward again.  I never wanted that view of a man.  I thought that made people do stupid things.  Turns out that you don’t always need it to be stupid.  He is a great man that has as addiction and is too tall and too skinny but for some reason still want to love.  Did I take away from the emotions of an infatuated girl that he should have been on the reserving end of?

Love takes work of serving the other person.

Then I get word that Edward has something of that forbidden sent.  I get all angry at him because he could be doing anything good with it.  Now that I’m done writing this I know that his accountability partner was joking.  God used it to get me out of that season of longing though.

God, thank you for answering my prayer.  I know that my love my still be misplaced and that You should be the one to fulfill my needs when I’m lonely.  Please keep me on the right track and growing closer to You.

Passion & Purity: 25 Nobody Knows the Trouble

It’s a loneliness chapter.  GIMME!!!

The loss of Edward’s presence in my life was the first time I felt loneliness.  I’m still learning what it means and its effects on my mind.  Today I pointed out that Edward filled the role of translator for my English.  Both of us think and used language differently than most people.  He had a better grasp of how to communicate with people outside our “shared” brain so he was helping me learn how to do that.  I’ve likely used something he taught me to write this post.  That role is still empty.  I need God to fill this one fairly soon so I can continue with school.

But this was once again Elisabeth pointing out that enduring loneliness while learning to use God’s strength makes us stronger.

I loved the prayer she wrote down for loneliness;

For my loneliness, Lord-Your strength.
For my temptation to self-pity, Lord-Your strength.
For my uncontrollable longing for this man, Lord-Your strength.

Passion & Purity: 17 What to Do With Loneliness

I’m so glad I’m not lonely, I said to myself as I started this chapter.  Then I read the first line.

Two lovers who are separated geographically can dwell mentally in the past and the future, reliving the happiness of having been together and anticipating the joy of reunion

Ummm I’m not his lover and I don’t want to see him again.  Yet still something hit me there.  I wanted to beat him at Risk for once.  I can’t forget his spirit as I wrote yesterday.

But I don’t get lonely…

Then Ms. Elliot gives her tips for dealing with loneliness.  Using this time to get to know God better and know that I’m not alone I think I have down.  I am hiding in God and with Him I can’t be alone.  There I’m not lonely.

Accept your loneliness.  It is stage one, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God.  It will not always last.

Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his loaves and two fishes.  God can transform it for the good of others.

… I’m… lonely…

I think lonely is new for me.  Even when my sister went to college I couldn’t say I missed her.  She was in my life and then she wasn’t.  I think it was the same with her.  I try not to get attached to anyone ever.  Yet somehow with Edward I miss him…

Welcome to the world with normal emotions.  I hate emotions.

A cozy candlelit supper with friends-couples, except for me.  Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single?  Have I been “cheated”?  Who cheated me?

With that I see my reason for not going to the Valentine’s day dinner at church gone.  This is the first year ever I have felt weird about Valentine’s day.  I think its the first year I ever entertained the thought of being a Valentine.

Dear Lord, I get it.  I’m… lonely.  I hear that this is normal.  I ask that you please take this and make it useful for you.