71 Days Resisting My Lust

But my real source of joy is the job God has given me a job before I asked for it!  God is good!


From January 14th

On January second of last year, I started this blog. I believe I should look at the growth and changes God has made since then in my life.
This blog was started in the pain of my grandmother’s death, trying to end my relationship with Edward and the holidays fading into history. Grandma’s passing wasn’t as painful as it could have been because a hard to reach family member was saved at her funeral.
My own sinful relationship with Edward was my biggest source of pain. Lust had taken a root in my heart for males this time. And I was afraid of further pain from changing my mind to better match God’s.
God had given me a burden for to minister to gays and I didn’t want to take proper steps needed to go into the field. College was an unattainable level of education because of my poor writing.
I was sick with fear and myself.
As I type this now I’m sitting in the common room of my Bible college in the Northmen snows. Classes begin tomorrow. I’m far from concurring my lust problems, but I’ve gone sixty-two days straight without acting on it. Edward and I haven’t spoken to each other since January nineteenth of last year. Even though he is a good friend, I’m not going to rush to speak with him or try to get a boyfriend here for sixteen months.
God is working slowly and surely in me to get me ready for ministry. I’m getting ready to see what He has in store for this year.
Here’s to college writing and God’s preparation and more growth this year!


Just Friends: 16 Choose True Love

We need to be able to see the difference between love and lust.  There is the couple that we see on TV deeply enthralled in touching or kissing that is called love.  But the Bible points to a cross with bloody flesh of what was once Jesus Christ and calls that love.

Surely it would be helpful to have a list to help tell the difference.  I am ready for a list again.

Yup there is a list.

  1. Lust is physical while love is spiritual.
    Lust is feed by the wanting the other person physically and love is feed by God.
  2. Lust is temporal while love is eternal.
    That’s why you cannot base a marriage on it.
  3. Lust is selfish while love cares for others.
  4. Lust brings guilt while live protects a clear conscience.
  5. Lust says “hurry up” while love says “wait on God.”
  6. Lust sees no fault; love forgives fault.
    From what most of Edward’s tell me, my lust is blind and tone deaf…
  7. Lust thrives on fantasy; love is based upon truth.
  8. Lust fades over time, and love grows over time.
  9. Lust always destroys, but love builds.

Just Friends: 14 Choose “No Touch” — Part 2

But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
James 1:14

If there is something I learned while writing a soap opera for a few months is that a simple touch can be so tempting.  I based it on my experience and what so many people have told me about their relationships.  One touch would leave the two wanting more even if was innocent.

But what is that longing for more other than lust tempting

I am ashamed to say that writing those character’s hearts torn with lust did not teach me that.

Just Friends had the best description of the effect that physical contact has on a relationship.  It is a two way dead end street; you can either do as the flesh wants and finish it or stop it.

Stopping is hard and still feeds the temptation.  Fleeing youthful lusts is easier to manage if it is starved.


I Just Finished Watching Anne of Green Gables

It has been so long since I’ve watched that movie.  For the first time, I have noticed that Gilbert is… fine…

Oh it is good to be straight.

Now to keep these thoughts in check.


When the Touch of God Hurts by Dr. Bish

How many people have fought a good fight in round one, only to be knocked out cold in round two? Fighting the good fight of faith is not just about facing off with the devil and his crowd. It is about applying our faith to every trial and tribulation that life throws at us without wavering. The second time around may actually reveal far more about where we are spiritually than round one did. The good news is that the God who saw us safely through round one is still there when we go through it for the second time. “For he hath said, ‘I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Are you willing to trust Him with the second time around?

I have been blessed with how I’ve been handled since my relapse and how I relapsed. Edward was attractive enough to be a temptation and attracted to me to feed the thoughts from the flesh and a gentleman enough not to take advantage when I threw myself at him even though he had wanted me to and wise enough to not allow me to deal with it without help this time. I have an RU to go to and the AZ willing to enforce the rules. I’m not in elected office or the military.
If there was another man he could have taken advantage of the moment even without being an addict and hid the relapse for the same reasons I hid my addiction last time.

This is a retest in lust only applying it to males this time.

When the Touch of God Hurts is written by an amputee. He speaks of his struggle freely reminding me of grandma a lot. My medical struggles are small compared to his (I read a lot of the book while on the edge of passing out) but my biggest problem now is my addiction something God I believe wants to change. Unlike Dr. Bish I shouldn’t see this as part of me.

I was reaching out to Ryan last week and he painted what he thought was the ultement suffering for me. Having my sexuality change and fight sex addiction just not get married and remain celibate for the rest of my life. I don’t see it that way. My longing to to marry is something God will use even if He doesn’t fulfill it.

And I doubt its as bad as Paul’s thorn of the flesh.

I’m highly recommending this book.


Too Much Writing

"What are you doing?"

As is normal for me different parts of my head are “talking” to themselves as if my life is an episode of Herman’s Head.

"I’m applying for a job at Coach. I bet even with the employee discount I can’t afford one of their bags."

"That’s on the outside…"  I knew what I meant.  I just didn’t want to say it too myself.

In the background I had unchecked lustful thoughts.  I put it on pause.

"You should discontinue the thought entirely."

"Ohh look!  This job has sick days."

"YOU DON’T WANT TO STOP IT, DON’T YOU?"

Ummm “I didn’t do any writing yesterday to keep my mind on track.”  I did stop the though then though.

"No excuse and you know it."

I had tried a writing fast for the first time.  I’m praying for some unsaved friends and wanted to sacrifice something so could be reminded to pray every time I suppressed an urge. I picked writing because I’m not allowed to fast food anymore.  I still worked on job applications and my essay for RU but other than that I kept my hand from pens and keyboards.

I’m learning that I’m trying to use writing to change my behavior and while I think the writing helps that is fighting a fleshly hunger with a fleshly weapon.  I know that doesn’t work and helps explain why I lost it after the retreat.  There is going to be less writing.

I need to depend on God not the touch screen of my Kindle Fire.


So That Retreat…

I don’t want to go because I’m rebelling against my feminine side again.  The devil pulled one of the numbers I knew and showed me his hand.

The most effective argument that he uses against my femininity is that women are week.  I’ve used women as a means to sexual pleasure.  I know how they are vulnerable to attack.  I don’t want to be that.  I don’t want to be something lusted after.

I know that the safest place for me is in God’s will. That doesn’t mean nothing will happen to me.  But God’s will is where I belong and I need to trust Him for the best He has planned for me as His daughter.




We Really Are All the Same

"I can’t support this," Ryan said.

"I didn’t think you would," I said knowing every word he was about to tell me.

"Gays commit suicide because of judgmental Christians saying they need to be straight."

I’ve learned a lot since then.  Mostly from Ryan, a proud gay man that greatly disagrees with me on most sex issues.  I never want to push being straight on anybody any more and I understand now that its not in God’s plan for everybody to leave there same sex attractions.

Yesterday I was a message by a young woman with unwanted same sex attractions and I could feel her frustration at not feeling anything for men.  She wasn’t suicidal but Ryan’s words echoed in my mind. I asked God what was the the right answer.

It’s not about changing whom you lust after, it’s about changing how you let God direct your feelings.

It’s the same lesson I’ve been learning as a straight woman now. I have unwanted feelings for a man that God hasn’t taken away.  I have had to give God control of these feelings so He can grow proper love from them.

It’s the same struggle proving that we are all human.


Passion & Purity: 20 Self-deception

Yet another chapter with Cheyene and Edward written all over it.  Can a love that is human be holy?

The warnings I kept having for myself about the emotional attachment I was developing for Edward.  I wasn’t self-deceiving myself over what it was though, until it was very strong.  Everyone around us could feel the sexual tension.  I knew it was there I just didn’t want to awaken his feelings more than they were, if they were.  I wouldn’t let my flirts get past death threats in mafia games either

I knew he loved me as a sister and as an AZ.  But I remember that one night he told me he agaped me.  My feelings flared only to find that he meant that as a friend. I could have taken this moment to tell him how I felt and I might have done a little more than hinted at it that time but I also did something else; I told him his feelings weren’t appropriate.

But I never addressed mine.  My feelings of what I knew in my mind was lust I let grow thinking it was ok, as I posted about yesterday.  If my walk was painful because there was sin in it I knew Edward could help it feel better.

Once again its another reminder that I need to kill off the flesh and submit to God down to what I call love and let no lust live in my heart again.


Healthy Walks

"I don’t need medication," I reasoned. "I’m fine.

"No," Edward said.  "You’re limping from the pain."

"But I get the pain everyday."

"So you have chronic pain.  Take some medication and see a doctor."

Edward and I were known for arguing, but this was the first time we were arguing in person in front of people.  We aren’t violent but we have minds that are hard to change.

"So do we leave so you to can either kill each other start to make out?" a visiting British friend asked.

"We could kill you," I think we both said at the same time.

Over the years I had let something change the way I walked. It was unhealthy even though I felt like it wasn’t limiting me.  But it was and I had to get it checked.

Turns out I have a normal problem that can be fixed with physical therapy; a painful way to reteaching me how to walk right.

Isn’t that how it is with my addiction?  I let a little lust in my life thinking that it was ok, maybe even even healthy because I was coming out of a lesbian way of life and not feeling any temptation from men. I let it alter my walk.  Then I found a man that I wanted to help be free from sex addiction.  I stumbled because I had altered my walk into an unhealthy one.  Now I have to correct my walk.  It might be painful but to be able to have God’s will for my life to the fullest I must.


What is the Point?

I have a friend that was all happy that her boyfriend asked her to marry her.  I couldn’t understand why they were bothering.  They weren’t saving sex for marriage and well… marriage wouldn’t stop her from meeting her girlfriend.

Right she has a girlfriend.

So if a marriage isn’t about sex, or exclusive sex, then what do they think the point is? Love?  Then does that mean she loves her boyfriend more than her girlfriend?

I was touched to hear of a Victoria Secret model that is hanging up her wings and all the money that comes with it, so she could save her body for her husband.  I was so proud of her and the example she was setting.  She doesn’t want men lusting after her let alone touching among other things.

I wish I could understand where my friends are coming from though.


Forget the Spirit

I don’t want to hate you
But I might want to care a little less
To not have my heart pray every moment for you
And defend you from everything that might hurt you

God should be my focus and what I love most
He is the Lord of my life
I want to move on from here
Yet my emotions are halted here

I can forget how tall you are
I can forget your stubble
I can forget your manly smell
I can forget the comfort of your arms

Why can’t I forget how you would beat me at Risk and Mafia
Or how we spoke of doctrine late into the night
Or how we deeply over think a character before writing a post?
Why can’t I forget your kreein’ spirit?

Am I to carry this connection forever
Or does God have another plan?
Oh Lord, please make this plain
Because I hate standing here midway between lover and sister in Christ